I forgot how much I loved Mindsay. I haven't been here for a while have I. Wow...I miss this blog. The one of the few that I determined to me myself in and then I got scared and left...as usual.

Well I am just here to see my friends whom I kind of left behind in my adrupt...departure.

I started using Vox and thought that I'd give them some invites.

I really should start merging all these entries.

Deep breathe. Deep breathe. My stomach has been hurting since yesterday. The lower portion, and I dismissed it. I thought it was weird because it didn't feel like a stomache. I've had tons of those before.

Yet they were like cramps because I had cramps before too. Besides I didn't fully exert myself as much and my legs if anything would be cramping as well - stiff.

So now, here's something; it might be appendicitis. I know its a common thing. And its no big deal, yet I get this horrible feeling like the day I stood in the hospital, or like everytime i go to the hospital, go see a doctor and they tell me how all these things are wrong with me.

Coincidently, things - like my immune system starts shutting down - literally, when I am really stressed. I am slightly stressed, not paniced, over time I think that "stressed" turned more into a passive thing making my stress sometimes unknown to me. Does that make sense?

Yet, I am sitting here. I can hear the doctor now, saying I have it. I did plan to go to the doctor that I was going to put off thinking that they would only just tell me to wait it out. The doctors on campus, always seem to dismiss everything like something small like they see it everyday, there's not that warmth in their bedside manner...Then when they do tell you something is wrong with you, they don't so much as tell you fully all the details before they shove you out the door.

That's one of the reasons I wanted to become a doctor.-so, I can revert all the negative experiences I've had and so my patients wouldn't have to go through all these unpleasant moments. To change the dynamics a bit more.

When people daydream, they daydream about how a certain guy or girl would approach them and perhaps show interest..I daydream about that too but not very often. I daydream about how I'd die. I know - weird isn't it? Well, just like scenerios, you know, not intentionally, it just happens, like I would be diagnosed with cancer, shot, and I'd think on top of all that pain - how'd I'd want to lighten the mood and say something like "awww...that was my favourite shirt" or just have enough time to verbally let it known that I want my organs to be going to someone to help someone else live.

Then there are the other daydreams about me finally proving myself. It's foolish. But I'd think of all these events that I wish could happen in front of certain people; that would make me feel confident. Make me feel good enough. Make me feel - like  I am good enough. You know like - having a lot of my close friends show up at school, having particular people that I miss show up at my school, yes, because I miss them but also because I want to prove that I - I have a life outside this school, for them to get a glimpse of me. The me, when I am fully comfortable around a group of people, the me who isn't completely self-conscious thinking about how much I want to curl up and hide whenever I am out with a group of people, like those in Mock Trail.

How I too - have a place I moderately fit in.

*exhales* Deep breathe in, deep breathe out...slow inhale, slow exhale. I don't want to get sick again. I am alway sick. Always something wrong with me when I can't bare it the most. Sure, I'd want extra time to study but it just wouldn't feel right if I wasn't with everyone else doing it. I don't want it at this cost.

Can't I just get a couple snow days or strikes or something? Too much to ask.

I know pickers can't be choosers.

I keep writing and noting that I would write and backdate my entry later. Making so many placeholders. Yet I haven't gotten around to writing them.

Right now on Facebook...I see some people that I barely spoke to but we knew each other all the way back to elementary school. I think of how much everyone has changed and it makes me so sad.

University - it was a chance to be a new person and be someone different, have a brand new start. I keep forgetting that. So many people look so different and they seem to established. There so many people I wish I could see again.

I miss Anthony, one of my first African friends who made me laugh.

I miss Jared, I still think about him often. Thinking about how different thing would be if we kept in touch. Thinking about how I really wish I could see him again.

I miss my grade 4 teacher too. She treated me like a daughter. I am going to go home and look for her letters that we exchanged and see if I can find her again. I want to see how she's doing and to let her know I haven't forgotten about her. But I guess before everything...I have get through all these midterms. *sigh*

I really like Craig David's Unbelievable. It such a sad and good song. It makes me sad. I know I really should be working. For some odd reason, I want to talk to Jonathan or James.

Jared. It's a complete coincidence they are all J names. I do know that the one person I can't and shouldn't talk to is the one that is on my mind the most - Jake. Another J name.

Yet I can't really talk to any of them. I worry about Jonathan, knowing that he's still hurting. Knowing that I feel so helpless.

Man...it's be great if I had someone to talk to right now. I wish Jared was here. As always.

It's already Sunday. I shouldn't have went home. But now that I think about it. I go home now then maybe next week I won't come home. Yeah, I probably wouldn't anyhow, since my midterms would be the following week.

I was thinking of going back to campus on Monday night but now I don't know if I can get everything done if I do that. I am doing my laundry right now (I know I know, I should have done it last night). Then I have to get massive amount of groceries. I really don't want to be purchasing food from campus again - its money better spent elsewhere.

From the looks of everything I think I just may be taking summer school till I graduate. How in the world did I end up with so many courses to take. I have no freakin' idea.

Man - so regarding my hopeful transfer to UBC, its not like it's going to be any better with grades and such if I do. Although I really want to go there - it would probably cost more money and such a big change being that I only have two years left. Finally, they don't have kinesiology, this major has really changed my perspective on things.

I have to get a B+ average on my last two years to be considered for physiology. Well, of course, that has to happen for medical school as well. Just that medical school also has another load of crappy requirements. I am checking the schedule as well to see how these things will factor into my next year...or unfortunately summer.

I think I have to take at least one chemistry during the summer and being the pain that it is - it has to be in the duration of the ENTIRE summer. I'll be there taking Biomechanics, for sure. Just, man, I wanted a LIGHT summer.

I think I am going to - go back to what I wanted a long time ago. I am going to try to transfer schools.